I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
