Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
