R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize