I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
you didnt know i had herpes?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
