Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Randomize
