Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
