yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
party gras won. party gras always wins.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
