I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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