I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
