thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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