I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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