in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
