The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
