Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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