my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
