she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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