Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
