he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
