Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
pop tarts are not kleenex
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
