party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
