All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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