I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
