never play flip cup with pint glasses
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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