I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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