We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just high enough for therapy.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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