He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
