Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
