Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
