Will you blow on my dice?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
