Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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