She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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