My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
