dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize