Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
