Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
