Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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