Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
