in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
