Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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