Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
