can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
