just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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