You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
my being single is dangerous.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
