I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
