Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
