she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
