I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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