Please don't use social media to get back at me.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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