Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
