So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
