sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
