"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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