his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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