Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
