I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
