you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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