Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
