if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
