the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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