Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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