we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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