I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
