Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
