The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
