This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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