i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
