i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize