You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
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